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Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.
- Ruth Renkel.
What sex addiction is NOT
Before providing some information about the complexity of sexual addiction, it’s important to develop an understanding of what sexual addiction is not.
Sex Addiction is Not: Sexual addiction is NOT based on a code of morality.
People can engage in and enjoy sex whether they are married, single, gay, straight, practicing solo sex or into kink or vanilla expressions of sexuality. What two consenting adults do with one another - or any other number of consenting adults - is their right, their business and NO ONE has a right to tell them what is or is not moral.
Sex Addiction is Not: A symptom of an underlying mental illness. While it is true that some psychiatric conditions such as bipolar disorder, cyclothymia and several other diagnoses may manifest with symptoms of hyper-sexuality, sexual addiction, in and of itself, does not mean one is mentally ill.
Sex Addiction is Not: About sexual offending. This is a difficult idea for many people to comprehend. Some sex offenders are sexually addicted and some are not. Not all sexually addicted individuals are sex offenders. Sexual offending is about power and control, using sex to intimidate and demean, in an attempt to feel a sense of superiority over another human being – sexual addiction is, at it’s heart, about faulty attempts to self soothe difficult emotional struggles, often times, rooted in feelings that one has been the victim of another person.
Sex Addiction is Not: About being sex negative. Many of the people I treat report experiencing their sexuality as something that is frightening, non-erotic, and loaded with shame and a loss of control. When these individuals, and couples, begin to address the underlying issues driving the addiction, challenge the stories they have come to believe about themselves, and begin to incorporate intimacy, eroticism and the expression of trust and emotional connection in their sexuality, there is profound shift away from fear and shame and towards personal growth and adult development.
Sex Addiction is Not: A definitive sign that ones' relationship has to end. For many couples, the disclosure of sexual addiction and compulsivity often marks the beginning of relating to one another as adults. This is not to say that there is not pain, anger and profound sadness and a sense of betrayal that must be attended to – there is. However, a large number of couples choose to remain together, working to create a new relationship rooted in honesty and a new commitment to trust.
Sex Addiction is not about SEX or ORGASM!
These are the end points of a complex series of behaviors used to avoid painful emotions, and anxiety.
Sexual addition IS about a destructive relationship to a mood altering EXPERIENCE that has become obsessive, painful and rooted in shame and self-loathing.
Understanding Sexual Addiction:
The causes of sexual addiction are complex. In many ways, sexual addiction parallels chemical addiction as substance abusers have learned, over time, to use drugs and alcohol to feel centered, and "normal". Commonly reported sexually compulsive behaviors include internet pornography and cybersex, compulsive masturbation, frequenting prostitutes and massage parlors, engaging in phone sex, going to “cruising” areas where anonymous sex is known to occur and engaging in multiple infidelities.
Sexual addicts obtain a "high" from focusing on and seeking out sexual activity and learn to become dependent on sex to feel centered and "normal". Many sexually addicted individuals, again similar to their chemically addicted peers, often report histories of severe family dysfunction and violence.
At the core of sexual addiction is a series of shame based beliefs about oneself. These shame based beliefs are commonly expressed as:
at my core I am a bad and unworthy person;
No one could ever love me as I am;
My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others;
As my needs will never be met, then sex, which is the only thing that makes me feel good, is my most important need.
These beliefs serve the addiction in several ways ways, the first is that they trap the addict into believing they are alone and cannot turn to anyone for help. Secondly, believing they are alone, the addict develops a growing reliance on their sexually compulsive behavior as the primary coping mechanism. Lastly, as the addiction progresses, the addict associates people with pain, based on fear of exposure, and the addiction with comfort. In short, this series of shame based beliefs become the addicts “operating system”.
The cycle of sexual addiction was first outlined by Dr. Patrick Carnes in his groundbreaking book, “Out of The Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction”.
1. Triggering events: As previously mentioned, many sexual addicts have survived overwhelming emotional experiences in their formative years. When confronted with emotional stresses, even those which would be considered positive, the addict is flooded with emotions he is unable to process. These emotions in turn trigger a need to regain some sense of control. The paradox here is that the more the client tries to regain control, through his addiction, the more out of control he becomes.
2. Preoccupation: During the preoccupation phase of the cycle, the addicts concentration becomes highly focused on sexualized thoughts and memories. As the addict becomes more focused on these sexualized thoughts and memories, he begins to loose the ability to focus on anything else - subsequently reinforcing his focus on sexualized thoughts and formulating plans to act out.
3. Ritualization: Ritualization is a highly predictable routine of behaviors used to prepare for the preferred form of sexual acting out. Some examples of ritualized behaviors include retiring to a favorite location to engage in phone sex or internet pornography, driving to a particular part of the city where the addict has paid for sex in the past. The intense focus of ritualization results in the addict experiencing a shift in perception referred to as depersonalization. Individuals experiencing depersonalization report that they feel detached from their experience, describing themselves as being on autopilot and feeling outside witnessing their own actions.
4. Acting-out stage: The actual sexually compulsive behavior itself.
5. Despair: After the brief respite of acting out and neurochemical bliss, the sexually compulsive individuals commonly report a shift into despair. Compounding this despair is the onset of disgust at, and shame with, oneself. At this point, in an attempt to minimize feelings of despair and shame, addicts will engage in purging behaviors. These behaviors include throwing away paraphernalia associated with the addiction and “swearing off” the preferred sexual activity. However, many addicts realize that they have tried, and failed, to control their behavior once more, furthering their sense of despair and loss of control, prepping the addict for the next triggering event.
Sexually compulsive people often realize that they have a problem, but feel powerless to change unless they are confronted with the consequences of their behavior. Even after the behavior has been discovered, it is often difficult for the addict to break through the defenses that have been used to shield him from understanding how out of control the behavior has become.
Recovery from sexual addiction, as with any addiction, begins with admitting that there is a problem.
There are many avenues available for individuals, couples and families to begin healing from the pain of sexual addiction. Psychotherapy with someone who is experienced in working with sexually addicted individuals and their loved ones is one path to recovery. Group therapy can be very helpful in breaking the isolation and shame that accompanies sexual addiction, while building a community of support with others who have similar struggles. There are currently several 12 step self-help programs for sexually addicted individuals, and their loved ones, that offer a free supportive community for regaining control over ones sexual behavior.
Whatever method of intervention one chooses to regain control of their sexual behavior, it is important to realize that they are not alone. Recognizing that a problem exists and asking for help is the first step towards breaking the isolation of sexual addiction and regaining ones dignity and self respect.
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Traits associated with addiction:
Escalating the addictive cycle are traits which enhance the disease process, these traits include; blame, fear, rigidity, delusion, denial, minimization, rationalization, outbursts of hostility, negativity, obsession and shame. Charlotte Kasl Ph.D., in her outstanding book Women, Sex and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power, provides an insightful and compelling, interpretation of these traits. While Kasl’s book was written primarily for women struggling with sexual addiction, these traits are universal to ALL addictions and genders, and sexual orientations.
Blame: Blame signals an increasing sense of powerlessness. When blame messages are decoded we find underlying issues of dependency and powerlessness; for example, when someone says “you make me unhappy because you won’t have sex with me”, what we are actually hearing is “ I feel unable to create feelings of happiness inside myself. My happiness depends on your being sexual with me ”.
Fear: A resistance to face inner pain generates fear, and a fear of having the addiction exposed. People protect their addiction, as it feels like the source of their life.
Rigidity: Rigidity is a sign of how fragile the addict has become. People hold onto an external framework, e.g., the cycle of addiction, for a sense of predictability and consistency in their lives, as a defense against the reality that they are crumbling inside.
Delusion: Delusion can manifest as misinterpreting the signals of others, e.g., interpreting a smile, or a casual hello from a stranger, as an invitation to have sex) or making unrealistic, grandiose plans. Delusion is an example of how efficient the addiction has become at warping ones ability to experience reality.
Denial and minimization: are expressed in statements such as, “there isn’t a problem”, “it’s just a little thing”, “I can stop this behavior if I really wanted to”. To the outside observer this appears “crazy” as the problems generated by the addiction are obvious to everyone but the addict.
Rationalization: Rationalization is a sure sign that someone is lost in an inner struggle. We don’t rationalize when we feel comfortable about something. Using a rationalization such as, “It’s okay to go to the bar just this once, everybody does”, is a way in which the addiction is given permission to be indulged.
Outbursts of hostility: Outbursts of anger occur when someone, e.g., a friend, family member or loved one, challenges the addiction, upsetting the fragile, rigid inner world the addict has created.
Negativity: Negativity permeates all aspects of the individuals’ life. Statements such as “People are jerks; Life is stupid; No one understands me”, indicate that the individual has become unable to experience kindness, love and compassion, and dwells instead on how bad everything is. This is a projection of how badly the individual is feeling inside.
Obsession and fantasies: These traits tend to focus on addictive ventures, increasingly interfering with concentration, the ability to be present with others, and the completion of other tasks of life.
Shame: This experience of not feeling “worthy”, of feeling “less than”, permeates the essence of the person struggling with the addiction – as this experience is so painful, it is denied.
Identifying Toxic States
Toxic states are intense reactions that leave one feeling “un-centered” and “desperate” for relief. These emotional reactions are frequently negative, involving powerful body centered symptoms and distortions in thinking. Toxic states often overwhelm ones ability to self soothe, make rational choices and undermine attempts to remain sober. The hallmark of a toxic state is that it is intense, immediate and requires an extreme set of responses which, in the short term, resolves discomfort at the expense of ones personal and relational well being.
Toxic states often manifest as a complex mix of agitation, anxiety, unexplained anger and negative self-talk that can feel impossible to challenge. Toxic states can also manifest as “cockiness”, and “grandiosity” in which the individual appears to have no humility, or in which the individual appears to see themselves as “the worst person in the world”. Grandiosity, like all toxic states, runs in extremes. While toxic states can feel like a random hodgepodge of symptoms in actuality they align themselves along the experiences of sensing, thinking, feeling, and behaving. A more detailed explanation of these experiences should help to highlight these ideas.
1. Sensing: Sensing refers to the experiences felt in ones body. Often times our senses are trying to tell us something, the tightening of our stomach, throat or shoulders when we encounter someone we dislike or feel unsafe around, the changes in how we breath when we are upset about a situation. These body-based senses are natural responses to stressful situations, and provide us with information about how to proceed. However, people struggling with addictions or histories of abuse have learned to disregard these body-based forms of communication as a way to survive overwhelming physical and emotional stresses, equating these sensations with the need to self medicate or deny what their bodies are trying to tell them about a particular situation. Common sensing experiences include:
• Feeling like one is chocking;
• Headaches
• Tightening in the throat;
• “Butterflies” in ones stomach;
• Stomach cramps and aches;
• “Knots” in ones stomach;
• Nausea;
• Light headedness;
• Dizziness;
• Tremors and shaking.
2. Thinking: Thinking is a complex activity, which involves organizing information obtained from interacting or observing a situation into some form of meaning. In those struggling with toxic states, these meanings are frequently organized into mistaken beliefs about the future, oneself and others, referred to as cognitive distortions. Often toxic states are accompanied by changes in ones thinking. Toxic thoughts usually center around;
The self:
• “I’m damaged goods”
• “No one will ever love me”
• “I’m not worthy of having a good life”
Others:
• “People will judge me”
• “People hate me”
• “People can’t be trusted”
The past:
• “My life is the way it is because of . . .”
• “I’ve made so many mistakes in the I can’t forgive
myself”
The future:
• “There’s no hope for me”
• “My life will always be this way”
• “I’m always going to be lonely”
3. Feeling. Feelings, like body sensations, are valuable sources of information about the environment we are in and the interactions we are having with others and ourselves. Everyone is entitled to his or her feelings, positive, negative or indifferent. Feelings, like body sensations, are valuable sources of information about the environment we are in and the interactions we are having with others and ourselves. Toxic feelings tend to be repetitive, fixed and lacking in variability. Some of these toxic feelings include;
• Rage
• Depression
• Anger
• Hate
• Paranoia
• Envy
• Jealousy
• Resentment
• Regret
• Vengeance
4. Behaving: Behaving is the final series of actions that we engage in based on sensing, thinking and feeling responses. Toxic behaviors include any behavior that is used to minimize, distract or avoid dealing with the discomfort and pain of toxic sensations, thoughts and feelings. Common toxic behaviors include:
• Drinking to excess
• Eating to excess
• Having sex to avoid emotions
• Spending money one does not have
• Other behaviors which undermine ones well being
In conclusion, toxic states are senses, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that consistently undermine ones sense of well being, while also limiting the quality of ones’ life.
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Suggested Reading:
Carnes, Patrick, (1991): Don't Call it Love:
In depth research on over 1,000 sex addicts, the process of sexual addiction and paths to recovery.
Carnes, Patrick, (1992): Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. 2nd Edition.
Easy to read outline of the developmental process which drives sexual addiction and compulsivity.
Earle, Ralph, and Gregory Crow (1989): Lonely All the Time:
Another view of the development of sex addiction offering insight into the family dynamics that feed sexually compulsive behavior.
Kasl, Charlotte, (1989): Women, Sex, and Addiction.
Kasl documents the struggles of women who are sexually compulsive, as well as women who are attracted to male sex addicts.
Weiss, Robert, (2005): Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men. A powerful resource for gay men, and therapists, interested in understanding the interaction between homophobia, substance abuse and sexual compulsivity among gay men. This is a great resource as much of the material in the field of sexual compulsivity and sex addition has been based on the experiences of heterosexual men.
12 Step Recovery Programs:
I list these programs as they are free of charge and many people have found them to be helpful in dealing with the shame and isolation of addiction. These programs offer a safe place to meet other people that have struggled with sexual and chemical addictions.
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
P. O. Box 111910
Nashville, TN 37222-6901
National: 1 (866) 424-8777
http://sa.org
Offering groups for both men and women. SA is the least supportive of the 12 step programs to gay people.
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
P. O. Box 70949
Houston, TX 77270
National Number: 1 (800) 477-8191
http://sexaa.org
Both straight and gay meetings offered. Women also attend.
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
P. O. Box 119, New Town Branch
Boston, MA 02258
(617) 332-1845
(781) 255-8825
http://slaafws.org
Both straight and gay meetings offered. Women also attend.
For Couples
Recovering Couples Anonymous
P. O. Box 11872
St. Louis, MO 63105
http://www.recovering-couples.org
(314) 830-2600
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) formally the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (NCSAC)
1090 S. Northchase Parkway
Suite 200 South
Atlanta, GA 30067
Phone: (770) 989-9754
e mail: ncsac@telesyscom.com
website: http://www.ncsac.org
Sexual Recovery Institute
822 S. Robertson Blvd., Suite #303
Los Angeles, CA 90035
Telephone: (310) 360-0130
Fax: (310) 360-0133
For treatment or general questions: info@sexualrecovery.com
The Sexual Recovery Institute is a specialty therapy agency directed toward the elimination of sexual behaviors that cause people unwanted consequences or losses in their lives. SRI can also assist those seeking assistance in addressing sexual addiction and compulsivity by locating therapists, treatment facilities and other services that seek to help those looking to regain control over their sexual behaviors.
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