Racism and homophobia are real conditions of all our lives in this place and this time. I urge each one of us here to reach down into that deep place of knowledge inside . . . and touch that terror and loathing of any difference that lives there. See whose face it wears.
- Audre Lorde
Gay Men in Heterosexual Marriages
The topic of men discovering their sexual attractions to other men while in heterosexual marriages is not a recent phenomenon, and has been the subject of numerous films, books and stage productions. What is relatively new is that many of these men are choosing to share this information with their wives.
The process of disclosing ones same sex orientation to ones wife requires a great deal of courage.
This outline is designed to provide the reader with basic information regarding common emotional and relationship struggles encountered by closeted married men. While certainly not exhaustive, it is the author’s hope that this information will provide the reader with a sense of validation, hope and limit feelings of social isolation.
Common reasons men remain “closeted”
Fear and social isolation are two of the central issues preventing closeted gay men from disclosing their sexual orientations to others. The sources of this fear are commonly reported as;
Fear of rejection and loss of family;
Fear of rejection by society;
Fear of rejection by religion;
Fear of going to hell;
Fear of loosing close friends and colleagues;
Fear of loosing one’s employment;
Lack of positive openly gay role models;
Lack of access to positive images of gay men;
Belief that “I was the only one”;
Belief that same sex attraction was “only a phase”;
Getting physical needs met through anonymous sexual encounters;
Denial of sexual orientation;
Lack of awareness of sexual orientation;
Never pursued a sexual experience with a member of the same sex.
Common processes reported by men who deny their same sex attractions
Sexuality is much more complex than what one does with one’s genitals to the point of orgasm. Sexuality is a central component of ones identity and influences how we think about, experience and interact with the world around us.
Sensuality and trust compose two of the most important aspects of a committed relationship, and often culminate in the expression of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy, essentially allow us to be “fully open” and “known” by another, who in turn allows him / her self to be “fully open” and “known”. When one feels they must sequester their sexuality, a variety of self-destructive behaviors may begin to emerge. These behaviors are often utilized to dull the realization that “something” is missing, and one does not feel “whole”, or “authentic”. These behaviors often manifest as;
Increased use of drugs and / or alcohol;
Avoidance of emotional intimacy with wife;
Avoidance of emotional intimacy with friends;
Avoidance of emotional intimacy with family;
Sexual aversion;
Erectile dysfunction;
Anorgasmia, the inability to have an orgasm;
Becoming hypersexual with women, to “prove” that one is not gay;
Engaging in “anonymous” sex with men, to meet “sexual needs”, while having “emotional needs”, met by wife and family”;
Somatic complaints, e.g., headaches, body aches, gastrointestinal discomfort;
Contempt for “effeminate” gay men;
Contempt for “out” gay people;
Homophobia;
A new sensitivity for the struggles endured by gay people;
A refusal to remain silent when confronted by homophobic speech or news;
Recognizing the links between homophobia, racism, sexism, and the other “isms”
Depression;
Anger;
Weight gain;
Weight loss;
Emotional withdrawal from family;
Physical withdrawal from family;
Common reasons that men report for coming out after they are married
Closeted gay men frequently cite a variety of reasons for disclosing their sexual orientations. The common threads running through out these statements revolve around the concept of honesty, and the emergence of a more compassionate attitude towards oneself. These statements often develop along three specific lines, honesty and with the self, honesty with family, and honesty with ones friends. These statements are often shared as,
No longer willing to lie to myself about my sexual orientation;
No longer willing to lie to my wife about my sexual orientation;
No longer willing to lie to friends about my sexual orientation;
Confronted by wife about lack of sexual and emotional intimacy;
No longer willing / did not want to lie to children about their sexual orientation;
No longer willing to practice a religion that frames homosexuality as “sin”;
No longer willing to see God, or other deities, as “judge, jury and executioner”;
No longer able to “pretend” that one is heterosexual;
no longer willing to have anonymous sexual encounters with other men;
Recognizing wife's sexual needs are not being addressed;
Developing friendships with other openly gay and well-adjusted men;
Developed an emotional relationship with another man, which then became sexual;
At later points of the coming out process, these statements frequently begin to include a desire to be seen as an openly gay man by “society at large”. The development of these statements, suggest that there is a growing awareness of the sociopolitical implications of being “out”, and suggests that there is a willingness to engage, and counter, social homophobia. In addition, some men report that they are not willing to sacrifice their religious practices, and locate open and affirming Churches, Synagogues and other gay and family welcoming religious organizations.
Common emotional reactions experienced by both men and their wives;
Both members of the couple report a wide variety of emotions during the first few weeks and months after disclosure. Often times, both partners may report a rapid shift from one emotional state to another, these emotional responses often include;
Fear;
Shame;
Guilt;
Frustration;
Anger;
Resentment;
Betrayal
Depression;
Relief;
Excitement;
And, in the majority of cases, final acceptance.
How relationships fare after disclosure
Couples respond to the disclosure of a partners’ homosexuality in a variety of ways. Some couples will choose to try and continue in the relationship, openly negotiating issues of sex, relationships and other intimate details of their lives, others may decide that the marriage is over and needs to end. If children are involved, parents will often focus their efforts on remaining cooperative partners in childcare, eventually, becoming close friends as they co-parent, but have separate lives. A common element in relationships between closeted gay man and their wives, is the report that both partners considered the other a “close friend” prior to the marriage. This friendship, and, if present, close intermixed families, often serves as a bridge which both partners have reported “carried them through” the demands and challenges placed on their relationship.
Unfortunately, some relationships cannot survive the disclosure of the husband’s disclosure of a same sex orientation.
If you are a gay man, who is currently married, it is imperative that you understand that you are not alone. There are many organizations and resources to assist you, and you wife, in the process of addressing the differences between you. The following resources may be helpful:
Gay Fathers of Greater Boston: http://www.gayfathersboston.org
GFGB meetings provide a safe, confidential, and welcoming forum for talking about the issues of gay fatherhood, including parenting, coming out, sexuality, and relationships with children, partners, and spouses (current or ex). You are free to join in the discussion or just observe, whatever feels most comfortable. Some of our meetings also include speakers on topics of interest for a portion of the meeting.
GFGB meet on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month at the First Parish Church in Waltham from 7-9 pm (note new time!). There is a voluntary donation at the door of $2. For more information, you may contact them at:
info@gayfathersboston.org or call: (617) 742-7897.
Married Gay Men:
This page and the pages on the main site are principally for men and women who are gay, lesbian or bisexual and married to (or in a relationship with) someone of the opposite sex, and for their spouses, partners or girlfriends (or boyfriends) to help them to understand what might be going on, typically same sex attractions and mixed orientation relationships or marriage.
http://www.geocities.com/marriedgay_2000/
Boston Gay & Bisexual Married Men’s Group
The Boston Gay Bisexual Married Men's Support Group (BMMG) is a discussion group for Boston Area gay and/or bisexual men married to women, including many who are working to preserve the marriage and some in the process of separation or divorce. The support group meets in Boston on the 1st and 3rd Mondays and the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of each month from 7 to 9 pm at the Boston Living Center, 29 Stanhope street. Check their web site at http://www.bmmg.org, for a calendar and more information. See also the Yahoo group for our Worcester subgroup, BMMGworcester.
You're Not Alone: Straight Spouse Support Group. For men and women who have been or are married to a gay or lesbian spouse. Generally meets the fourth Monday of every month, 7:30-9:30 pm. Telephone (978) 618-6670, email ssn.boston@comcast.net. This support group meets at Newton-Wellesley Hospital.
Straight Spouse Support Network Support for straight spouses and partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender mates world wide. Support groups operate in 40 communities in the US and in 6 foreign countries. Members provide information on spouse and family issues to professionals, community organizations, and the media. Experienced support group leaders provide mentor assistance for organizing new support groups.
http://www.straightspouse.org/
Wives of Bisexual & Gay Husbands eGroup;; an email group with a closed membership of women (girlfriends, wives, and ex-wives) of bisexual or gay men.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WivesofBiGayHusbands/
There are three helpful email lists for bisexual/gay husbands and their spouses:
All three lists are for straight spouses of bisexual, gay, or lesbian partners who are trying to keep their marriages intact and for keeping the relationship positive for those couples who are separating and divorcing.
str8s Straight Spouse Support Mailing List This list, for straight spouses only, has the largest membership of the three.
ssml Spouse Support Mailing List This list, open to both husbands and wives in mixed-orientation marriages, is smaller.
sotts Spouses Out To Their Spouses mailing list SOTTS, with the smallest membership, is a sublist of SSML. The emphasis is on communication in making the marriage work.
To join any of these three lists, go to the www.topica.com website and sign up for str8s or ssml. After verifying your email address at www.topica.com, you can either sign up for one of the groups at that site, or you can send an email to str8s-subscribe@topica. com or to ssml-subscribe@topica.com or to;
sotts-subscribe@topica.com.
Coming Out
gay and lesbian individuals who keep their sexual orientation a secret are often referred to as being in the closet. When a person decides to share this part of their identity with others, it is referred to as coming out of the closet or simply coming out.
Why do gay and lesbian people come out?
Coming out is often an integral part of developing a healthy gay and lesbian identity. Remaining in the closet means that you choose to hide who you are from those around you. It means lying about your relationships, pretending to be someone you are not, and keeping a large part of your identity secret from loved ones. This hiding can be very painful and is incredibly damaging to one’s overall psychological health. Coming out is strongly related to developing a positive gay and lesbian identity, better psychological adjustment, mental health and higher self-esteem.
Why is coming out difficult?
Coming out can be difficult because there are still many false stereotypes and unwarranted prejudice against gay and lesbian people. Many conservative communities and religious groups teach that being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender is sick, wrong, dangerous, immoral and deserving of punishment and/or ostracism. Challenging these stereotypes can be very difficult, especially if the individual does not have access to a supportive community or positive representations of gay and lesbian people. Many people remain in the closet because they fear, sometimes realistically, that they will be rejected by their loved ones and are at risk for physical violence. In addition, gay and lesbian people often face prejudice and discrimination from coworkers, religious institutions, government and laws, and even friends and family. According to a 1989 national survey conducted by the American Psychological Association, 5% of gay men and 10% of lesbians reported physical assault related to their sexuality in the last year and 47% reported some type of discrimination in their lifetime. All of these issues can contribute to feelings of being different or alone that can be painful and challenging to overcome.
What contributes to a healthy coming out experience?
The first, and in my opinion most important aspect of a healthy coming out experience, is accepting that coming out is an act of self love. Accessing emotional support from loving friends and family, and making positive contacts with gay and lesbian people and accessing information about the hidden history and contributions that gay and lesbian people have contributed to humanity, can assist in an easier coming out experience and the development of a healthier gay and lesbian identity in the long run.
Some Common myths about gay and lesbian people.
Myth: gay and lesbian people, particularly gay men and bisexuals, are promiscuous.
Reality: Some gay and lesbian people, just like some heterosexual people, are promiscuous, and some are not. Promiscuity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Myth: In same-sex relationships, one partner is the “man” and the other partner is the “woman”.
Reality: The majority of gay men and lesbians reject these roles and form a relationship based on equality. The basis for this myth has two main components, both of which are equally offensive.
1. The first assumption that this myth makes is that gay and lesbian relationships are “modeled” on gender dynamics. This means that one partner must be more “assertive” while the other is more “passive” in the manner in which they function in the relationship. Essentially, this myth asks the question, who is the more “powerful” member of the couple.
2. The second assumption of this myth is that gender dynamics are synonymous with sexuality. In same sex relationships, when the people ask who is the man, the hidden question being asked is, quite frankly, is “who fucks who”. Meaning, who is the “active”, (read dominant = male) , and who is the “receptive”, (read passive = female), partner. When this question is asked of lesbian couples the question being addressed is “who is the butch and who is the femme”. Sexuality has nothing to do with gender and power unless the intent is to make sex about gender and power.
Myth: Same-sex relationships are unhealthy and abnormal because gay and lesbian are not capable of “true” love and commitment.
Reality: Gay and lesbian people are just as capable of long-term committed relationships as heterosexual people. Dr. John Gottman Ph.D., an internationally recognized researcher of couples dynamics - and a practicing clinical psychologist, is quoted as saying; "Gay and lesbian couples are a lot more mature, more considerate in trying to improve a relationship and have a greater awareness of equality in a relationship than straight couples. I think that in 200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today." This information can be obtained from the Clearly, gay and lesbian people can, and do, form long term successful and loving relationships.
Myth: Same-sex relationships usually consist of an older gay person who has taken advantage of a younger person who is questioning or confused about their identity.
Reality: This is one of the more virulent myths, portraying gay and lesbian people as predatory child molesters. It is NOT true. Same-sex relationships, as in heterosexual relationships, are consensual and occur between consenting adults. The reality os that pedophiles, are, in fact, overwhelmingly heterosexual, whether their victims are male or female.
What drives the myths and stereotypes about gay and lesbian people?
Myth: Gay and lesbian people could be cured by having really good sex with a member of the opposite sex.
Reality: There are no cures. Many gay and lesbian people have had satisfying heterosexual experiences in their lifetime. Some gay and lesbian (and, naturally, bisexual) people are comfortable being sexually active with heterosexuals as well. Gay and lesbian people who, out of desperation or fear, choose to enter a heterosexual relationship to get cured may cause misery and pain to themselves and their partners. Most gay and lesbian people would never choose to be sexually active with members of the opposite sex and would resent and challenge the inference that heterosexuals have a corner on the market of good sex.
Myth: Homosexuality is not “natural”— that is, it does not exist in nature, therefore, that proves that it is dysfunctional.
Reality: From a scientific point of view, it is “natural”. Any animal, including a human, is capable of responding to homosexual stimuli. Research suggests that homosexuality is almost universal among animals and is especially frequent among highly developed species. There has been evidence of homosexuality in all human cultures throughout history.
Myth: One homosexual experience as an adolescent will play a large part in determining whether a person will be homosexually oriented as an adult.
Reality: Many young boys and girls have homosexual experiences in their childhood as part of the natural exploration of their sexuality. If this statement were true, then the percentage of gays in the population would be far greater than 10%.
Myth: Gay and lesbian people have made a conscious decision not to be heterosexual.
Reality: Researchers continue to disagree on the specific origins of homosexuality, as an aside - the origins of heterosexuality also remain unknown. The decision is not whether one is homosexual or heterosexual, but whether one is going to acknowledge the existence of one's homosexual feelings and behaviors. Coming out is a complex and difficult process. It may take a long time for many gay or lesbian people to choose to accept their homosexuality as valid and acceptable. Those who struggle with a gay or lesbian identity may suffer enormous anxiety, pain, and anger as they work to rectify the inherent incongruities between societal messages and their own feelings.
Homophobia.
Homophobia means “fear of the same”, as in fear of homosexuality. Homophobia also translates into a fear of intimate relationships, even those which are not sexual in nature, with members of the same sex. Homophobia is also manifests in hatred, becoming an attitude of repulsion and disgust towards gay and lesbian people. Homophobia is heavily influenced by the belief that homosexuality is morally wrong. This moralizing component of homophobia serves to strip away the humanity of gay and lesbian people, allowing the homophobic individual to view gay and lesbian people, in his or her own mind, as disgusting, sick, shameful, dangerous and inhuman.
What is heterosexism?
Heterosexism is both an attitude and a social system. As an attitude, heterosexism is the belief that any sexual orientation that is not heterosexual is inferior. In this way, heterosexism is similar to sexism and racism. Heterosexism, as a social system, is the driving force behind cultural attitudes that exclude openly gay and lesbian people from serving in the military, refusal to allow same-sex couples the same rights as heterosexual relationships, and the lack of legal protection against hate crimes and discrimination based on sexual orientation. Heterosexism is also seen in the lack of positive images of gay and lesbian people in the media and the overwhelming pervasiveness of heterosexual imagery.
The Victims Of Homophobia
From: Outing Yourself: How to Come Out to Your Family: Your Friends, and Your Coworkers. by Michelangelo Signorile
The best way to understand how hatred becomes self-hatred is to think of homophobia as a disease, similar to alcoholism and drug abuse-afflictions that cause people to behave in irrational ways, even as they are often in denial about what they are doing and saying. Thus it becomes easier to understand that the people we love can be homophobic. Like the people we know and love who may be alcoholics or drug abusers, they don't mean to hurt us, but they do. They are driven by an ugly disease. We must have compassion for them and understand how familial predisposition and societal pressures have caused them to behave and think in the manner in which they do, and we should summon up the courage and patience to deal with their disease. But we must not allow them to harm anyone, emotionally or physically, especially ourselves.
Though we may love and care for someone who is an alcoholic, we would not allow that person to get behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated and we would certainly not let that person drive while we are in the car. Similarly, we must not allow those whom we love who happen to be homophobic to make us feel terrible about ourselves, so terrible that we think about taking our own lives.
Most of us know only a few (if any) people who are alcoholics or drug abusers. In the case of homophobia, however, it is possible and probable that almost everyone around us is afflicted. We cannot let this lead us to believe that they are the healthy ones simply because they out-number us. Homophobia is a widespread affliction, and homophobia is curable.
Like other diseases, homophobia is also, unfortunately, contagious. Parents, teachers, and clergy pass it on to their children and those they influence. When the children are gay, it is passed on as internalized self-loathing.
Once you view homophobia as an affliction suffered by your parents and others, an affliction they have passed on to you, you begin to recognize that they don't know that their homophobia is destructive for you as well as for all gay people. You will find it easier to continue to love your family while at the same time understanding that they have a problem that endangers your emotional well being. You can be patient and understanding with them, but you must empower yourself to feel good about being gay in spite of what they may say or do. You must firmly resolve, right now, that even if they have passed this disease on to you, you are going to rid yourself of it and not allow it to eat away at you.
CASS MODEL OF GAY & LESBIAN IDENTITY FORMATION
adapted from “Homosexual Identity Formation: A Theoretical Model”, by Vivienne C. Cass [Journal Of Homosexuality – Vol 4 (3), Spring 1979] .
For gay and lesbian people coming out is a life long process. Because gay and lesbian people are not accepted and affirmed in our culture, coming out is a significant developmental process representing the first step toward accepting and affirming, not only ones’ sexual orientation, but the right to live life openly with dignity and self respect.
Vivienne Cass developed the first model of homosexual identity formation that was non-pathologizing. In this model, Cass proposes a six stage model of coming out. While no model will ever successfully describe the experiences of all people, and all cultures, the Cass model presents a good place to begin understanding some of the life course struggles and challenges that are unique to gay and lesbian individual identity formation.
Identity Confusion: "Could I be gay?" Person is beginning to wonder if "homosexuality" is personally relevant. Denial and confusion is experienced.
Task: Who am I? - Accept, Deny, Reject.
Possible Responses: Will avoid information about lesbians and gays; inhibit behavior; deny homosexuality ("experimenting," "an accident," "just drunk"). Males: May keep emotional involvement separate from sexual contact; Females: May have deep relationships that are non-sexual, though strongly emotional.
Possible Needs: May explore internal positive and negative judgments. Will be permitted to be uncertain regarding sexual identity. May find support in knowing that sexual behavior occurs along a spectrum. May receive permission and encouragement to explore sexual identity as a normal experience (like career identity, and social identity).
Identity Comparison: "Maybe this does apply to me." Will accept the possibility that she or he may be gay. Self-alienation becomes isolation.
Task: Deal with social alienation.
Possible Responses: May begin to grieve for losses and the things she or he will give up by embracing their sexual orientation. May compartmentalize their own sexuality. Accepts lesbian, gay definition of behavior but maintains "heterosexual" identity of self. Tells oneself, "It's only temporary"; I'm just in love with this particular woman/man," etc.
Possible Needs: Will be very important that the person develops own definitions. Will need information about sexual identity, lesbian, gay community resources, encouragement to talk about loss of heterosexual life expectations. May be permitted to keep some "heterosexual" identity (it is not an all or none issue).
Identity Tolerance: "I'm not the only one. " Accepts the probability of being homosexual and recognizes sexual, social, emotional needs that go with being lesbian and gay. Increased commitment to being lesbian or gay.
Task: Decrease social alienation by seeking out lesbians and gays.
Possible Responses: Beginning to have language to talk and think about the issue. Recognition that being lesbian or gay does not preclude other options. Accentuates difference between self and heterosexuals. Seeks out lesbian and gay culture (positive contact leads to more positive sense of self, negative contact leads to devaluation of the culture, stops growth). May try out variety of stereotypical roles.
Possible Needs: Be supported in exploring own shame feelings derived from heterosexism, as well as external heterosexism. Receive support in finding positive lesbian, gay community connections. It is particularly important for the person to know community resources.
Identity Acceptance: "I will be okay." Accepts, rather than tolerates, gay or lesbian self-image. There is continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture.
Task: Deal with inner tension of no longer subscribing to society's norm, attempt to bring congruence between private and public view of self.
Possible Responses: Accepts gay or lesbian self identification. May compartmentalize "gay life." Maintains less and less contact with heterosexual community. Attempts to "fit in" and "not make waves" within the gay and lesbian community. Begins some selective disclosures of sexual identity. More social coming out; more comfortable being seen with groups of men or women that are identified as "gay." More realistic evaluation of situation.
Possible Needs: Continue exploring grief and loss of heterosexual life expectations. Continue exploring internalized "homophobia" (learned shame for heterosexist society). Find support in making decisions about where, when, and to whom he or she self discloses.
Identity Pride: "I've got to let people know who I am!" Immerses self in gay and lesbian culture. Less and less involvement with heterosexual community. Us-them quality to political/social viewpoint.
Task: Deal with incongruent views of heterosexuals.
Possible Responses: Splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad). Experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as he or she is less willing to "blend in." Identifies gay culture as sole source of support; all gay friends, business connections, social connections.
Possible Needs: Receive support for exploring anger issues. Find support for exploring issues of heterosexism. Develop skills for coping with reactions and responses to disclosure of sexual identity. Resist being defensive!
Identity Synthesis: Develops holistic view of self. Defines self in a more complete fashion, not just in terms of sexual orientation.
Task: Integrate gay and lesbian identity so that instead of being the identity, it is on aspect of self.
Possible Responses: Continues to be angry at heterosexism, but with decreased intensity. Allows trust of others to increase and build. Gay and lesbian identity is integrated with all aspects of "self." Feels all right to move out into the community and not simply define space according to sexual orientation.
HETEROSEXUALITY QUESTIONNAIRE
(Attributed to Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., January 1977)
Gay and lesbian people are constantly forced to deal with homophobic assumptions and misinformation. This questionnaire is an invitation for heterosexual people to think about how they would feel and respond if they had to address the same assumptions based on their heterosexuality.
1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?
4. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?
5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
6. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? Why are they so promiscuous?
10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
11. If you were to have children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?
12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?
13. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
15. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your homosexual potential?
16. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?
17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?
19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?
21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counselor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?
22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?
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