Racism and homophobia are real conditions of all our lives in this place and this time. I urge each one of us here to reach down into that deep place of knowledge inside . . . and touch that terror and loathing of any difference that lives there. See whose face it wears. - Audre Lorde  Gay Men Coming out of Heterosexual Marriages The topic of men discovering their sexual attraction to other men while in heterosexual marriages is not a recent phenomenon, and has been the subject of numerous films, books and stage productions. What is relatively new is that many of these men are choosing to share this information with their wives. This outline is designed to provide the reader with basic information regarding the emotional and relationship struggles encountered by closeted men in heterosexual relationships. While certainly not exhaustive, it is the author’s hope that this information will provide the reader with a sense of validation, hope and limit feelings of social isolation.   Common reasons men remain “closeted” Fear and social isolation are two of the central issues preventing closeted gay men in from disclosing their sexual orientations to others. The sources of this fear are commonly reported as; Fear of rejection and loss of family Fear of rejection by society Fear of rejection by religion Fear of going to hell Fear of loosing close friends and colleagues Fear of loosing one’s employment Lack of positive openly gay role models Lack of access to positive images of gay men Belief that “I was the only one” Belief that same sex attraction was “only a phase” Getting physical needs met through anonymous sexual encounters Denial of sexual orientation Lack of awareness of sexual orientation Never pursued a sexual experience with a member of the same sex Processes reported by men denying their homosexuality Sexuality is much more complex than what one does with one’s genitals. Sexuality is a central component of ones identity and influences how we think about, experience and interact with the world around us. Sensuality and trust compose two of the most important aspects of a committed relationship, and often culminate in the expression of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. These processes allow us to risk being “fully open” and “known” by another, who in turn allows him / her self to be “fully open” and “known” as well. When one feels they must sequester their sexuality, a variety of self-destructive behaviors may begin to emerge. These behaviors are often utilized to dull the realization that “something” is missing, and one does not feel “whole”, or “authentic”. These behaviors often manifest as; Increased use of drugs and / or alcohol Avoidance of emotional intimacy with wife Avoidance of emotional intimacy with friends Avoidance of emotional intimacy with family Sexual aversion Erectile dysfunction Anorgasmia, the inability to have an orgasm Becoming hypersexual with women, to “prove” that one is not gay Engaging in “anonymous” sex with men, to meet “sexual needs”, while having “emotional needs”, met by wife and family” Somatic complaints, e.g., headaches, body aches, gastrointestinal discomfort Contempt for “effeminate” gay men Contempt for “out” gay people Internalized homophobia A new sensitivity for the struggles endured by gay people A refusal to remain silent when confronted by homophobic speech or news Recognizing the links between homophobia, racism, sexism, and the other “isms” Depression Anger Weight gain Weight loss Emotional withdrawal from family Physical withdrawal from family Common reasons that married men report for coming out Closeted gay men in heterosexual marriages cite a variety of reasons for disclosing their sexual orientations. These statements often develop along three specific lines, honesty with the self, honesty with family, and honesty with ones friends. These statements are often shared as; No longer willing to lie to myself about my sexual orientation No longer willing to lie to my wife about my sexual orientation No longer willing to lie to friends about my sexual orientation Confronted by wife about lack of sexual and emotional intimacy No longer willing / did not want to lie to children about their sexual orientation No longer willing to practice a religion that frames homosexuality as “sin” No longer willing to see God, or other deities, as “judge, jury and executioner” No longer able to “pretend” that one is heterosexual No longer willing to have anonymous sexual encounters with other me Recognizing wife's sexual needs are not being addressed Developing friendships with openly gay and well-adjusted men Developed an emotional relationship with another man, which then became sexual At later points of the coming out process, these statements frequently begin to include a desire to be seen as an openly gay man by “society at large”. The development of these statements, suggest that there is a growing awareness of the sociopolitical implications of being “out”, and suggests that there is a willingness to engage, and counter, social homophobia. In addition, some men report that they are not willing to sacrifice their religious practices, and locate open and affirming Churches, Synagogues and other gay and family welcoming religious organizations.   Emotional reactions experienced by men and their wives Both members of the couple report a wide variety of emotions during the first few weeks and months after disclosure. Often times, both partners may report a rapid shift from one emotional state to another, these emotional responses often include; Fear Shame Guilt Frustration Anger Resentment Betrayal Depression Relief Excitement How relationships fare after disclosure Couples respond to the disclosure of a partners’ homosexuality in a variety of ways. Some couples will choose to try and continue in the relationship, negotiating issues of sex, dating and other intimate details of their lives; others may decide that the marriage is over and needs to end. If children are involved, parents will often focus their efforts on remaining cooperative partners in childcare, eventually, becoming close friends as they co-parent while maintaining separate lives.   A common element in relationships that fare better after disclosure is the report that both partners considered the other their “best friend” prior to, and during, the marriage. This friendship often encompasses relationships with extended family and serves both members of the couple in negotiating the demands and challenges confronting their relationship. Unfortunately, some relationships cannot survive the disclosure of the husband’s disclosure of a same sex orientation.   Relationships that tend to suffer are those in which issues of alcohol abuse, anxiety or histories of childhood abuse and neglect were present for one or both members of the relationship.   If you are a gay man, who is currently married, it is imperative that you understand that you are not alone. There are many organizations and resources to assist you and your wife. The following resources may be helpful:   Gay Fathers of Greater Boston: http://www.gayfathersboston.org. GFGB meetings provide a safe, confidential, and welcoming forum for talking about the issues of gay fatherhood, including parenting, coming out, sexuality, and relationships with children, partners, and spouses (current or ex). You are free to join in the discussion or just observe, whatever feels most comfortable. Some of our meetings also include speakers on topics of interest for a portion of the meeting.   GFGB meet on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month at the First Parish Church in Waltham from 7-9 pm (note new time!). There is a voluntary donation at the door of $2. For more information, you may contact them at (617) 742-7897 or e-mail them at: info@gayfathersboston.org     Boston Gay & Bisexual Married Men’s Group. http://world.std.com/~ewk/ The Boston Gay Bisexual Married Men's Support Group (BMMG) is a discussion group for Boston Area gay and/or bisexual men married to women, including many who are working to preserve the marriage and some in the process of separation or divorce. The support group meets in Boston on the 1st and 3rd Mondays and the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of each month from 7 to 9 pm at the Boston Living Center, 29 Stanhope Street. Check their web site at http://www.bmmg.org, for a calendar and more information. See also the Yahoo group for our Worcester subgroup, BMMGworcester.   You're Not Alone: Straight Spouse Support Group. For men and women who have been or are married to a gay or lesbian spouse. Generally meets the fourth Monday of every month, 7:30-9:30 pm. This support group meets at Newton-Wellesley Hospital. Telephone (978) 618-6670. email: ssn.boston@comcast.net.   Straight Spouse Support Network Support. http://www.straightspouse.org/ A group for straight spouses and partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender mates world wide. Support groups operate in 40 communities in the US and in 6 foreign countries. Members provide information on spouse and family issues to professionals, community organizations, and the media. Experienced support group leaders provide mentor assistance for organizing new support groups. Wives of Bisexual & Gay Husbands e-Group: An email group with a closed membership of women (girlfriends, wives, and ex-wives) of bisexual or gay men. e-mail: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WivesofBiGayHusbands/   Suggested Reading:  Michelangelo Signorile (1996). Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers. New York. Fireside Books.   Rob Eichberg (1991). Coming Out: An Act of Love. New York. Plume.   Betty Berzon (1996). Setting Them Straight: You CAN Do Something About Bigotry and Homophobia in Your Life.  New York. Penguin.   Martin Duberman, Martha Vicinus, George Chauncey (Eds). (1990). Hidden from History: Reclaiming the Gay and Lesbian Past. New York. Meridian.   Coming Out gay and lesbian individuals who keep their sexual orientation a secret are often referred to as being in the closet or closeted. When a person decides to share this part of their identity with others, it is referred to as coming out of the closet or simply coming out.   Why do gay and lesbian people come out? Coming out is often an integral part of developing a healthy gay or lesbian identity. Remaining in the closet means that you choose to hide who you are from those around you. It means lying about your relationships, pretending to be someone you are not, and keeping a large part of your identity secret from loved ones. This hiding can be very painful and is incredibly damaging to one’s overall psychological health. Coming out is strongly related to developing a positive gay or lesbian identity, better psychological adjustment, mental health and higher self-esteem.   Why is coming out difficult? Coming out can be difficult because there are still many stereotypes and unwarranted prejudice against gay and lesbian people. Many conservative communities and religious groups teach that being gay, lesbian or bisexual is a sign of mental illness, immorality and deserving of punishment and/or ostracism. Many of these groups have successfully utilized stereotypes and misconceptions about gay and lesbian people to lobby for prevention of equality in civil and federal rights for gay and lesbian people.   Challenging these stereotypes can be very difficult, especially if the individual does not have access to a supportive community or positive representations of gay and lesbian people. Many people remain in the closet because they fear, sometimes realistically, that they will be rejected by their loved ones and are at risk for physical violence. According to a 1989 national survey conducted by the American Psychological Association, 5% of gay men and 10% of lesbians reported physical assault related to their sexuality in the last year and 47% reported some type of discrimination in their lifetime. All of these issues contribute to feelings of being different or alone and can be challenging to overcome.   What contributes to a healthy coming out experience? The first, and in my opinion most important aspect of a healthy coming out experience, is recognizing that coming out is an act of self-love. Accessing emotional support from trusted friends and family, making positive contacts with other gay and lesbian people and accessing information about the hidden history of gay and lesbian people can assist in the development of a healthier gay and lesbian identity in the long run.   Some Common myths about gay and lesbian people. Myth: Gay and lesbian people, particularly gay men and bisexuals, are promiscuous.   Reality: Some gay and lesbian people, just like some heterosexual people, are promiscuous, and some are not. Promiscuity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.   Myth: In same-sex relationships, one partner is the “man” and the other partner is the “woman”.   Reality: The majority of gay men and lesbians reject these roles and form a relationship based on equality. The basis for this myth has two main components, both of which are equally offensive and rooted in sexists attitudes towards   1. The first assumption that this myth makes is that gay and lesbian relationships are “modeled” on heterosexual relationships that encompass stereotypical gender dynamics. This means that one partner must be more “assertive”, or masculine, while the other is more “passive”, or feminine. Essentially, this myth asks the question, who is the more “powerful” member in the relationship.   2. The second assumption of this myth is that gender dynamics are synonymous with sexuality. In same sex relationships, when people ask who is the man, the hidden question being asked is, quite frankly, is “who fucks who”. Meaning, who is the “active”, (read dominant = male) and who is the “receptive”, (read passive = female) partner. When this question is asked of lesbian couples the question being addressed is “who is the butch and who is the femme”. Sexuality has nothing to do with gender and power unless the intent is to make sex about gender and power.   Myth: Same-sex relationships are unhealthy and abnormal because gay and lesbian people are not capable of “true” love and commitment.   Reality: Gay and lesbian people are just as capable of long-term committed relationships as heterosexual people. Dr. John Gottman Ph.D., an internationally recognized researcher of couples dynamics and a practicing clinical psychologist, is quoted as saying; "Gay and lesbian couples are a lot more mature, more considerate in trying to improve a relationship and have a greater awareness of equality in a relationship than straight couples. I think that in 200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today." Clearly, gay and lesbian people can, and do, form long-term successful and loving relationships.   Myth: Same-sex relationships usually consist of an older gay person who has taken advantage of a younger person who is questioning or confused about their identity.   Reality: This is one of the more virulent myths, portraying gay and lesbian people as predatory child molesters. It is NOT true. Same-sex relationships, as in heterosexual relationships, are consensual and occur between consenting adults. The reality is that pedophiles, are, in fact, overwhelmingly heterosexual males.   Myth: Gay and lesbian people could be cured by having good sex with a member of the opposite sex.   Reality: There are no cures for homosexuality because homosexuality is not an illness. Many gay and lesbian people have had satisfying heterosexual experiences in their lifetime. Some gay and lesbian people are comfortable being sexually active with heterosexuals as well. Some gay men and lesbians have never had sex with a member of the opposite sex because they do not find the opposite sexually attractive. Gay and lesbian people who, out of desperation or fear, choose to enter a heterosexual relationship to get cure their homosexuality may cause misery and pain to themselves and their partners.   Myth: Homosexuality is not “natural”— that is, it does not exist in nature, proving that homosexuality is an illness.   Reality: Research has found that homosexuality is almost universal among animals and is especially frequent among highly developed species. There has been evidence of homosexuality in all-human cultures throughout history.   Myth: Same sex experiences in adolescence determining whether a person will be gay or lesbian as an adult.   Reality: If this statement were true, then the percentage of gay and lesbian people in the population would be far greater than the estimated 10%. Many children and adolescents have homosexual experiences in childhood as part of the exploration of their sexuality.   Myth: Gay and lesbian people have made a conscious decision not to be heterosexual.   Reality: Researchers continue to disagree on the specific origins of homosexuality, as an aside - the origins of heterosexuality also remain unknown. The decision is not whether one is homosexual or heterosexual, but whether one is going to acknowledge the existence of one's homosexual feelings and behaviors. Coming out is a complex and difficult process. It may take a long time for many gay or lesbian people to accept their homosexuality is valid and acceptable. Those who struggle with a gay or lesbian identity may struggle with a great deal of anxiety, pain, and anger as they begin challenging damaging societal messages about homosexuality and asserting their right to have, explore and incorporate their sexuality into their lives.   Homophobia. Homophobia means “fear of the same”, as in fear of homosexuality. Homophobia also translates into a fear of intimate relationships, even those that are not sexual in nature, between members of the same sex. Homophobia also manifests in hatred, becoming an attitude of repulsion and disgust towards gay and lesbian people. Homophobia is heavily influenced by the belief that homosexuality is morally wrong. This moralizing component of homophobia serves to strip away the humanity of gay and lesbian people and allows the homophobic individual, and culture, to view gay and lesbian people as disgusting, sick and shameful; deserving of violence and contempt.   What is heterosexism? Heterosexism is both an attitude and a social system of organized beliefs. As an attitude, heterosexism is the belief that any sexual orientation other than heterosexual is inferior. In this way, heterosexism is similar to sexism, racism misogyny and anti-Semitism; as all of these forms of hatred organize experience along a continuum of “better than” and “less than” thinking, feeling and acting. Heterosexism as a social system is the driving force behind cultural attitudes that exclude gay and lesbian people from serving in the military and refusal to allow same-sex couples the same rights as their heterosexual peers. Heterosexism is also seen in the lack of positive images of gay and lesbian people in the media.   HETEROSEXUALITY QUESTIONNAIRE (Attributed to Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., January 1977)   Gay and lesbian people are constantly forced to deal with homophobic assumptions and misinformation. This questionnaire is an invitation for heterosexual people to think about how they would feel and respond if they had to address the assumptions that their heterosexuality was a form of illness.   1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?   2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?   3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?   4. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?   5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?   6. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?   7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?   8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?   9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? Why are they so promiscuous?   10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?   11. If you were to have children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?   12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?   13. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?   14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?   15. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your homosexual potential?   16. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?   17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?   18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?   19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?   21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counselor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?   22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?